Supporting loved ones with infertility, it can be done

When my husband I got the news that we were expecting, not only were we ecstatic we also made the decision not to share our news until we were passed the first trimester.  During our time of extreme bliss we had close friends and family that were experiencing their own hardships from infertility, miscarriages and SIDS. 

To be perfectly honest, I was not prepared as to how to handle sharing my exciting news with them knowing their one true desire was to become parents.  One situation I played over and over in my head and for the life of me I could not pick up the phone.  I just could not share that I was expecting knowing they had just lost their child.  We went a little over a year without speaking to each other and although I would have liked to handle it differently it's a decision I do not regret.  I do know and understand how people can want to be happy for others but yet their own personal situations can be so devastating that they can not truly share in your blessings.  This was just one of those things that I had to just let play itself out.

With some of the others I found myself wanting to soften and cushion the blow so I called to tell them the news to allow them time to process and be prepared when the big announcement was made to the entire family.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to share your news but when it comes to friends and family that are suffering with becoming parents it can be an emotional roller coaster for them but that does not mean they are not happy for you.  YES!!! You are excited, thankful and blessed as you should be.  So celebrate but being sensitive and checking on your loved ones during their difficult times is also important.

Not sure if many are aware but 1 in 8 couples and close to 16% of women face challenges related to fertility along with 15-20% of pregnancies end in loss or miscarriage (Kirmayer, 2018).  You personally may not have been affected but someone you know may be suffering in silence or they know someone who is, so sensitivity and compassion is key.


I found an article that goes more into detail as to "Supporting a Friend Through Infertility" written by Miriam Kirmayer.  Below are a few highlights in the article but please click the link above to see the full article that goes into great detail as to how you can help your loved ones.

1. Recognize the uniqueness of your friend’s experience.
2. Know it’s not your place to problem solve.
3. Watch out for triggering language.
4. Balance optimism with realism.
5. Understand their need for space.
6. Be sensitive when sharing your own news.

• Give fair warning. 

• Focus on feelings. 

• Recognize and respect their need for time.

• Take care of yourself.

• Continue your thoughtfulness.

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Life without baby

In my younger days, I would look to the left and someone was pregnant or look to the right and there was another pregnant woman but what no one talks about is the many women that suffer with infertility.  It is not as easy for many women to conceive and it wasn't until I got older and talked to more women and learned their struggles and stories while trying to conceive.  Of course many were successful but there is still a hand full that are not.

I consider myself to be a realist and realistically not all women will become natural mothers.  At one point in my life this was a harsh reality that I was coming to terms with.  At my age and having gone through this journey for 20 years, I was simply at the point in my life of asking God to please grant me peace within myself during this chapter of my life.

Yes, I have conceived a child but that does not take away from the pain of the journey or the many thoughts over the years of living a life without a baby.  Lisa Manterfield shares her story here of surviving and thriving when motherhood doesn't happen.  We are still women and life can still be truly amazing!

Many Blessings!!

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FASTING for my Child

If you are a church-goer, then you are familiar with the term "fasting".  Fasting is giving up food or other things for a period of time in order to focus your thoughts on God.  During fasting, people will spend time reading the Bible, praying and/or worshiping.  As a member of Prayer and Deliverance Ministries for a number of years, fasting became a reoccurring event in my life.  Church members were asked to participate in the Daniel Fast twice a year.  I was able to truly learn and experience the benefits that fasting had on my life.  It helped me to hear from God.  I was able to strengthen my relationship with God and I was able to build my faith.  

Somethings in life you can get to that point where you have tried things your way and they did not work and now you are left with no other options but to try things GOD's way.  That is were I was and I had no other tricks in my hat, no more doctors to see, no more surgeries to have performed and no one that could help me or truly understand.

I made the decision to go on a fast and prepare for my child.  Now every year I repeat the Daniel Fast starting January 1 and end January 31 but this time my fasting was different.  Once I made the decision in the middle of December I started that next day.
1. I removed Beef and Pork from my diet (doctors orders) along with soda.
2. I gave up alcohol, as you should anyway when trying to conceive.
3. I removed myself from social media to allow the time spent there to reflect on my goal, choices and reconnect with my husband, family and God.
4. I began to seek internal peace and I started meditating daily (nothing major I downloaded a meditation app on my phone and let it do what it was designed to do)
5. I read daily scriptures listed below every night while fasting
6. Prayer.  Many nights I was not even sure what to pray so I just started talking to God from my heart. (You can also download bible or prayer apps to your phone)

Now my husband has never been one to really fast but after sitting and talking with him about my decision he choose to stop smoking and join me in reading the scriptures daily (He was not giving up beef or pork 😆).

Now those who are not believers I am sure will have much to say and that is fine.  This is my story, my journey and the things that I did that not only allowed me to become more sensitive to the voice of God but truly saw through dreams as he revealed to me his plans for my husband and I (surpassing our dreams of becoming parents).  I began my fast December 2015 and received a positive pregnancy test in May 2016.  Even during my fasting my faith was tested and it was not an easy journey for us but what was our other options.  We had none and all we had left was GOD.  And no I am not saying we made God our last option but just as everyone else we had to learn to get out of our own way and lean on him and give God his time and allow him to do his works and prepare us for his miracle.  When I made the decision to fast, I already had my mind set that I was going to give my all, trust God and not come out of this fast until we were pregnant or God had given me peace to accept that natural motherhood was not for me.  I am not hear to tell you to fast just sharing my story for other women that have lost faith and hope during this emotional journey.

Below are the list of Bible scriptures my husband and I read every night for 6 months while trying to conceive.  Just in case you are ready to get out of your own way and hear from God.

Isaiah 55:11King James Version (KJV)

¹¹ So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Romans 3:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.

Deuteronomy 7:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

Deuteronomy 28:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.

Mark 10:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

Galatians 3:13King James Version (KJV)

¹³ Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree:

Luke 1:37King James Version (KJV)

³⁷ For with God nothing shall be impossible.

Psalm 46:5King James Version (KJV)

⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

Mark 11:23-26King James Version (KJV)

²³ For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
²⁴ Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
²⁵ And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
²⁶ But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:19King James Version (KJV)

¹⁹ Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Jeremiah 32:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?

Psalm 77:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

John 14:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Isaiah 11:03King James Version (KJV)

³ And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears:

Judges 13:3King James Version (KJV)

³ And the angel of the Lord appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

Psalm 113:9King James Version (KJV)

⁹ He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

2 Peter 1:8King James Version (KJV)

⁸ For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5-6King James Version (KJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

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Benefits of being a mature aged mother

It was not my choice to become a mother at the age of 38 but this is my reality.  I would be lying if I told you being a mature aged mother did not come with it's own set of challenges.  I have classmates that are enjoying grandparent hood and I am just now joining in on motherhood.  BUT the one thing that I tell myself is everybody's journey is not meant to be the same.  It took me a while to understand that and not be so self conscience about being a mature aged mom.  For a while, I would think, "when she is 10, I will be 48. And what will I do when she attends school and all the young mothers and classmates think I am her grandmother.  Or deal with the comments from family or friends saying, "it is about time" and "we were wondering what was taking so long".  But I had to shake these thoughts and focus more on the blessing of her existence and the true miracle that she is.

I am a huge reality TV fan and absolutely love that  women with a platform have become vocal on infertility struggles along with the many celebrities that have embraced "advanced maternal aged motherhood".  As an advanced maternal aged mother, some of the benefits I focused on was being in a stable marriage, complete my education, start a business, advance in my career and become financially stable.  But there are so many more benefits and I found them in an article written by 

Jessica Larsen, "15 Benefits of being being an older mom that you didn't think of".  

Please check out the article and enjoy.  I found quite a few that I really didn't think about.

My Endometriosis Story

As a little girl, I always knew that I would grow up to have four children.  I would tell people that I wanted to have two children of my own and adopt two.  Well life has a way of not going as you plan it (go figure) and at age 18 I was scheduled for my very first surgery where my diagnosis was Endometriosis. Now many are not familiar with this disease and back in the late 90s not even many physicians could give much information.  At that time, I was not given real deal about my condition nor was I prepared for the battle that lied ahead of me.  According to my physician, much of my pain and discomfort was caused by Endometriosis and began day one of my first cycle at the age of 12.  I was placed on medication that prevented me from having a menstrual cycle and honestly I was in HEAVEN and I thought I had time.

Well later in life and just like most women, I started to get the baby bug and my clock was ticking.  I thought best to stop the medication and and assumed I was cured (truth...HA!).  I have always had a high tolerance for pain but the pain that came after removing myself from the medication was unbearable.  I can still recall driving down the street and unable to press the car accelerator because my legs had gone numb.

I was in my mid to late 20s when a physician told me that I more than likely would not be able to have children.  I was devastated and although we never forget certain moments in our lives, I remember that exact moment because he told me over the phone but for whatever reason I cannot remember my age at that time but I knew then that I was going to fight with everything in me.  I cannot tell you how many doctors I have seen.  I STILL find old medical records stored at home with a different provider's name and honestly cannot recall those visits.  I have had so many surgeries I have lost count (between 5-7) and from the repeated laparoscopic procedures with the camera my naval has been disfigured.

NOW fast forward I am 30 years old, engaged to me married and having to have a conversation about not being able to give him children.  THOUGHTS: (1) He is going to leave me, (2) He is going to think something is wrong with me, (3) He will leave and have a baby with someone else.  Those are just a few things that ran through my mind (trust me it was many more). But GOD blessed me with a man that was my friend long before we were dating, engaged or married so he knew a small part of my story but not in full detail.  All I remember him saying to me, "I am not marrying you for children, I am marrying you for you and we will figure that out along the way".  AND even after that, my mind would not allow me to believe him because deep down in my heart of insecurities no man would be willing to stay with a broken woman.

 Until you have walked in the shoes of Endometriosis "before" birthing a child, you have no clue of mental and physical pain that comes along with it.  Endometriosis is not something that happens overnight and it only worsens with time.  At the age of 12 mine was just starting, by the age of 18 the presence was clear.  The medication only stalled its progression but after stopping the medication the damage was back and in full effect. I cannot count how many physicians told me that I should have taken the opportunities to have a child in my teen years because now I did not have a chance. I used to think I was being punished for many choices I made as a young girl and GOD had not forgiven me (imagine carrying that type of guilt for years).

It took us 7 years, millions of internet searches, over the counter vitamins, Chinese herbal medications, tons of money, additional heartbreaking news, road blocks, doctors appointments, arguments, hope, faith and prayer but it was all worth it to conceive at age 37 and give birth at age 38.

AND I would do it all over again!

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