Supporting loved ones with infertility, it can be done

When my husband I got the news that we were expecting, not only were we ecstatic we also made the decision not to share our news until we were passed the first trimester.  During our time of extreme bliss we had close friends and family that were experiencing their own hardships from infertility, miscarriages and SIDS. 

To be perfectly honest, I was not prepared as to how to handle sharing my exciting news with them knowing their one true desire was to become parents.  One situation I played over and over in my head and for the life of me I could not pick up the phone.  I just could not share that I was expecting knowing they had just lost their child.  We went a little over a year without speaking to each other and although I would have liked to handle it differently it's a decision I do not regret.  I do know and understand how people can want to be happy for others but yet their own personal situations can be so devastating that they can not truly share in your blessings.  This was just one of those things that I had to just let play itself out.

With some of the others I found myself wanting to soften and cushion the blow so I called to tell them the news to allow them time to process and be prepared when the big announcement was made to the entire family.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to share your news but when it comes to friends and family that are suffering with becoming parents it can be an emotional roller coaster for them but that does not mean they are not happy for you.  YES!!! You are excited, thankful and blessed as you should be.  So celebrate but being sensitive and checking on your loved ones during their difficult times is also important.

Not sure if many are aware but 1 in 8 couples and close to 16% of women face challenges related to fertility along with 15-20% of pregnancies end in loss or miscarriage (Kirmayer, 2018).  You personally may not have been affected but someone you know may be suffering in silence or they know someone who is, so sensitivity and compassion is key.


I found an article that goes more into detail as to "Supporting a Friend Through Infertility" written by Miriam Kirmayer.  Below are a few highlights in the article but please click the link above to see the full article that goes into great detail as to how you can help your loved ones.

1. Recognize the uniqueness of your friend’s experience.
2. Know it’s not your place to problem solve.
3. Watch out for triggering language.
4. Balance optimism with realism.
5. Understand their need for space.
6. Be sensitive when sharing your own news.

• Give fair warning. 

• Focus on feelings. 

• Recognize and respect their need for time.

• Take care of yourself.

• Continue your thoughtfulness.

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Support for Couples

A few days ago, I attended a health fair and to my surprise there was a vendor table on fertility support.  I thought this was absolutely amazing because this is not something you see everyday and I have attended quite a few fairs and have never seen information on fertility services.  I just think it is awesome that more people are talking about fertility and making the public aware of opportunities and what options are available and hopefully overtime fertility can be a conversation that people can have without embarrassment or judgements.

ANY WHO... I stopped by the table and picked up some materials that I thought would be great for me to share here on my blog.  There was a nice booklet (upload later) from Natural Family Planning (NFT) that had tons of great information and additional options that could be helpful to couples for finding the right type of plan for their family.  But NFT also has an INFERTILITY SUPPORT MINISTRY that works with couples that are facing fertility challenges.

Is this NOT amazing???   Along my journey, I have met couples that have been open to sharing their stories but then I have met couples that are not in that place where they want to share something so intimate with others.  I think NFT is a great opportunity for couples no matter what your preference just as another avenue to travel.  You never know, one conversation could offer suggestions that you may have never thought about.  I know many times it is not easy to talk with those we love because many times they can not relate to the struggle of conceiving.  Or maybe you have talked your loved ones ears off and don't want to keep bothering them.  NFT is there for you.

Visit their website at www.stlouisnfp.org, they are on facebook, twitter, instragram and youtube.   They also have a newsletter that you can sign up to receive.

I have also attached pictures of the materials I gathered from the fair.  I hope this information was helpful and please pass it along to someone if you cannot benefit from it.

Thanks!

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Benefits of being a mature aged mother

It was not my choice to become a mother at the age of 38 but this is my reality.  I would be lying if I told you being a mature aged mother did not come with it's own set of challenges.  I have classmates that are enjoying grandparent hood and I am just now joining in on motherhood.  BUT the one thing that I tell myself is everybody's journey is not meant to be the same.  It took me a while to understand that and not be so self conscience about being a mature aged mom.  For a while, I would think, "when she is 10, I will be 48. And what will I do when she attends school and all the young mothers and classmates think I am her grandmother.  Or deal with the comments from family or friends saying, "it is about time" and "we were wondering what was taking so long".  But I had to shake these thoughts and focus more on the blessing of her existence and the true miracle that she is.

I am a huge reality TV fan and absolutely love that  women with a platform have become vocal on infertility struggles along with the many celebrities that have embraced "advanced maternal aged motherhood".  As an advanced maternal aged mother, some of the benefits I focused on was being in a stable marriage, complete my education, start a business, advance in my career and become financially stable.  But there are so many more benefits and I found them in an article written by 

Jessica Larsen, "15 Benefits of being being an older mom that you didn't think of".  

Please check out the article and enjoy.  I found quite a few that I really didn't think about.

My Endometriosis Story

As a little girl, I always knew that I would grow up to have four children.  I would tell people that I wanted to have two children of my own and adopt two.  Well life has a way of not going as you plan it (go figure) and at age 18 I was scheduled for my very first surgery where my diagnosis was Endometriosis. Now many are not familiar with this disease and back in the late 90s not even many physicians could give much information.  At that time, I was not given real deal about my condition nor was I prepared for the battle that lied ahead of me.  According to my physician, much of my pain and discomfort was caused by Endometriosis and began day one of my first cycle at the age of 12.  I was placed on medication that prevented me from having a menstrual cycle and honestly I was in HEAVEN and I thought I had time.

Well later in life and just like most women, I started to get the baby bug and my clock was ticking.  I thought best to stop the medication and and assumed I was cured (truth...HA!).  I have always had a high tolerance for pain but the pain that came after removing myself from the medication was unbearable.  I can still recall driving down the street and unable to press the car accelerator because my legs had gone numb.

I was in my mid to late 20s when a physician told me that I more than likely would not be able to have children.  I was devastated and although we never forget certain moments in our lives, I remember that exact moment because he told me over the phone but for whatever reason I cannot remember my age at that time but I knew then that I was going to fight with everything in me.  I cannot tell you how many doctors I have seen.  I STILL find old medical records stored at home with a different provider's name and honestly cannot recall those visits.  I have had so many surgeries I have lost count (between 5-7) and from the repeated laparoscopic procedures with the camera my naval has been disfigured.

NOW fast forward I am 30 years old, engaged to me married and having to have a conversation about not being able to give him children.  THOUGHTS: (1) He is going to leave me, (2) He is going to think something is wrong with me, (3) He will leave and have a baby with someone else.  Those are just a few things that ran through my mind (trust me it was many more). But GOD blessed me with a man that was my friend long before we were dating, engaged or married so he knew a small part of my story but not in full detail.  All I remember him saying to me, "I am not marrying you for children, I am marrying you for you and we will figure that out along the way".  AND even after that, my mind would not allow me to believe him because deep down in my heart of insecurities no man would be willing to stay with a broken woman.

 Until you have walked in the shoes of Endometriosis "before" birthing a child, you have no clue of mental and physical pain that comes along with it.  Endometriosis is not something that happens overnight and it only worsens with time.  At the age of 12 mine was just starting, by the age of 18 the presence was clear.  The medication only stalled its progression but after stopping the medication the damage was back and in full effect. I cannot count how many physicians told me that I should have taken the opportunities to have a child in my teen years because now I did not have a chance. I used to think I was being punished for many choices I made as a young girl and GOD had not forgiven me (imagine carrying that type of guilt for years).

It took us 7 years, millions of internet searches, over the counter vitamins, Chinese herbal medications, tons of money, additional heartbreaking news, road blocks, doctors appointments, arguments, hope, faith and prayer but it was all worth it to conceive at age 37 and give birth at age 38.

AND I would do it all over again!

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