Supporting loved ones with infertility, it can be done

When my husband I got the news that we were expecting, not only were we ecstatic we also made the decision not to share our news until we were passed the first trimester.  During our time of extreme bliss we had close friends and family that were experiencing their own hardships from infertility, miscarriages and SIDS. 

To be perfectly honest, I was not prepared as to how to handle sharing my exciting news with them knowing their one true desire was to become parents.  One situation I played over and over in my head and for the life of me I could not pick up the phone.  I just could not share that I was expecting knowing they had just lost their child.  We went a little over a year without speaking to each other and although I would have liked to handle it differently it's a decision I do not regret.  I do know and understand how people can want to be happy for others but yet their own personal situations can be so devastating that they can not truly share in your blessings.  This was just one of those things that I had to just let play itself out.

With some of the others I found myself wanting to soften and cushion the blow so I called to tell them the news to allow them time to process and be prepared when the big announcement was made to the entire family.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to share your news but when it comes to friends and family that are suffering with becoming parents it can be an emotional roller coaster for them but that does not mean they are not happy for you.  YES!!! You are excited, thankful and blessed as you should be.  So celebrate but being sensitive and checking on your loved ones during their difficult times is also important.

Not sure if many are aware but 1 in 8 couples and close to 16% of women face challenges related to fertility along with 15-20% of pregnancies end in loss or miscarriage (Kirmayer, 2018).  You personally may not have been affected but someone you know may be suffering in silence or they know someone who is, so sensitivity and compassion is key.


I found an article that goes more into detail as to "Supporting a Friend Through Infertility" written by Miriam Kirmayer.  Below are a few highlights in the article but please click the link above to see the full article that goes into great detail as to how you can help your loved ones.

1. Recognize the uniqueness of your friend’s experience.
2. Know it’s not your place to problem solve.
3. Watch out for triggering language.
4. Balance optimism with realism.
5. Understand their need for space.
6. Be sensitive when sharing your own news.

• Give fair warning. 

• Focus on feelings. 

• Recognize and respect their need for time.

• Take care of yourself.

• Continue your thoughtfulness.

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/

Support for Couples

A few days ago, I attended a health fair and to my surprise there was a vendor table on fertility support.  I thought this was absolutely amazing because this is not something you see everyday and I have attended quite a few fairs and have never seen information on fertility services.  I just think it is awesome that more people are talking about fertility and making the public aware of opportunities and what options are available and hopefully overtime fertility can be a conversation that people can have without embarrassment or judgements.

ANY WHO... I stopped by the table and picked up some materials that I thought would be great for me to share here on my blog.  There was a nice booklet (upload later) from Natural Family Planning (NFT) that had tons of great information and additional options that could be helpful to couples for finding the right type of plan for their family.  But NFT also has an INFERTILITY SUPPORT MINISTRY that works with couples that are facing fertility challenges.

Is this NOT amazing???   Along my journey, I have met couples that have been open to sharing their stories but then I have met couples that are not in that place where they want to share something so intimate with others.  I think NFT is a great opportunity for couples no matter what your preference just as another avenue to travel.  You never know, one conversation could offer suggestions that you may have never thought about.  I know many times it is not easy to talk with those we love because many times they can not relate to the struggle of conceiving.  Or maybe you have talked your loved ones ears off and don't want to keep bothering them.  NFT is there for you.

Visit their website at www.stlouisnfp.org, they are on facebook, twitter, instragram and youtube.   They also have a newsletter that you can sign up to receive.

I have also attached pictures of the materials I gathered from the fair.  I hope this information was helpful and please pass it along to someone if you cannot benefit from it.

Thanks!

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/

Trying to Conceive

As a young girl, I used to dream about one day becoming a mother and I would always tell people that I wanted 4 children.  I would have 2 of my own and then adopt 2.  (Reality: 4 bonus children and 1 of my own but not to far off, I guess 😁). I have to admit, it was exciting planning my life as to how I thought it would be.  WHOMP-WHOMP!  Life happened and reality set it and I, like so many other women had to experience, stress, pain and heartbreak while trying to get pregnant.  For those of you who do not know, it takes the average young couple 4-6 months to conceive, with approximately 85-95% getting pregnant after one year of trying (Mcguinness, 2018).  Now add medical health issues and age to the mix and your chances of getting pregnant fast continue to decline.

But before you rush to go make an appointment with a fertility specialist there are a few things you can try to consider on your own.  And just like everyone else we went to the internet to start our searches.

For those trying to conceive you already know that sex can turn into planned intercourse that is not always fun.  You are checking a thermometer, watching the calendar and counting days and narrowing sex down to the very last second.  That is NO WAY fun and exciting but choosing certain types of lubricants can help enhance the experience and help you to enjoy each other.  BUT not any ol lubriance will do.  Those warming lubricants are probably a No-No and you want to be sure to find a lubricant that is sperm friendly such as Pre-Seed, somthing that will not harm or kill sperm.  Clinical studies show that Pre-Seed is a sperm-safe lubricant, which is a benefit over most lubricants (Try whatever you want, just listing this as a suggestion).  According to Mcguinness (2018),  Texas fertility specialist Jerald Goldstein, MD, states that vegetable oil is a safe and effective lubricant that has no effect on sperm.

Take a look at increasing or starting vitamin supplements.  I always took vitamins as a child so increasing my vitamin intake was not an issue for me.  Once again I went to the internet and did a search looking for vitamins that would be beneficial to couple's trying to conceive.   I was used to daily vitamins such as multivitamins and taking the hair, nail and skin pills (love the the gummies) but after searching the internet I also added Fish oil to my daily vitamins because of the omega-3, folic acid, vitamin B.  I did not take Zinc but according to multiple websites it is considered one of the most important minerals for conception and pregnancy (Mcguinness, 2018).  Sarah Yang lists 10 different vitamins that help with conception (click here) so I hope that you find these helpful.  On Sarah's list antioxidants are mentioned and if you  browsed through some of my other blog posts you will see that I did increase my antioxidants but only after my physician instructed me too.  However, I did not purchase or intake any supplements for antioxidants, instead I increased eating berries. Strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries and raspberries, anything with berries according to my physician.  But that was short lived for me so I went to my local Sam's Club and happen to stumble across,  Bai Antioxidant infusions (yes the funny commercial with Justin Timberlake).  These worked perfect for me so I began buying them by the case.  Now there are other alternatives to the drinks or supplements for antioxidants, Ryan Raman (2018) lists 12 healthy foods high in antioxidants.
1. Dark Chocolate
2. Pecans
3. Blueberries
4. Strawberries (ate lots of them in my salads)
5. Artichokes
6. Goji Berries
7. Raspberries
8. Kale (ate kale in smoothies & salads)
9. Red cabbage
10. Beans
11. Beets
12. Spinach (ate spinach in smoothies & salads)

Let me say that I am no physician and have never been to medical school.  My blog is simply sharing my story in hopes to inspire, encourage and motivate someone else to keep moving in their journey.  I say that to say my next suggestion is one of personal experience, Chinese Herbs.  While searching the internet I came across the site, Fertility Formulas (twitter page here).  I was given a free consultation and moved forward with purchasing some of the herbs.  Also for women with Endometriosis I would suggest looking into Chinese Herbs because they worked wonders for us!!! Pain I had suffered through for 2 decades was non-existent while taking these herbs.  SERIOUSLY!!! No pain.  Unfortunately for us we had other health issues by the time we reached this chapter in our story and required 2 additional surgeries before conceiving but I would personally recommend you looking into Chinese Herbs, researching it or even scheduling a consultation.


I'm sure there are other things that women are doing to get pregnant and would love to hear about them. Please add to the comments

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/

What NOT to say to your childless friends

More and more, Women are choosing not to have children  whether it is career driven or not it is their personal choice however, that is NOT always the case.  So many women want to have children and most of the time they start trying and that is when they find out something is just not right.  I used to get so SICK of that, “Well what are you waiting on”, “You know you are not getting any younger”, “What is taking so long”, or my all time worst, “Ya’ll been married about XX years and ya’ll still don’t have any kids.  It took me a long time to really realize that the so called normal question of, “do you have any children” was a part of building relationships and friendships and that some people were just trying to get to know me but deep down I was dealing with my own insecurities and had to learn to NOT be offended by that one question.  Now the others often came from people who already knew me and honestly it would drive me bonkers.  And just like any other women trying to conceive with health issues would do, I would grit my teeth and say, “whenever God says so” or “whenever it happens” (while wearing a fake smile and killing them softly with my eyes). 👀

Nonetheless, it was my own internal issues that I had to overcome and overtime I did.  I had to learn that not everyone’s life journey will be the same and that is no one’s fault.  We have to play the hand in life that we have been dealt, no matter good or bad.  And that’s not to say that some people who knew my situation weren’t mean or rude purposefully because that happened as well.  I have had comments made towards me about expensive purchases and vacation travels because, we didn’t have children and we could afford them.  When honestly there is a thing called savings, travel agents and planning ahead.  I was even a part of a joke with the person making a statement about having a working reproductive system opposed to mine.  Well at this time, I was so in shock I didn't have a response but instead was offended to the high heavens and hurt beyond words.  But MOST of the time, people really truly cannot relate to your struggle and that is okay, many times in life and with all situations you can share a story or hear a story but until it’s you or someone you care deeply about that is affected most of the time you cannot relate.   And not to say many people do not have empathy, yes they do but they still cannot relate. 

I did a search on the internet looking from some of the worst comments a person can say to a women without children.  Check them out below and feel free to view some of the answers to these questions here and add some of your own in the comments.  Thank you!!

What a bad decision

Now that I have children, my life has true meaning

You’re a crazy cat lady in training

You think you’re tired?  You don’t know what tired is

You’re being selfish

You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man

What are you waiting for

Your mom had you

Your’re missing out on one of the best things in life

Tick Tock

It’s a mom thing

That’s a shame.  You might regret it

What’s wrong with you

The size of that house and just the two of you?  It’s a waste of space

But you would be such a great mom

Just find a donor and have kids.  I’ll babysit

You think you don’t want children, but once you have them you’ll change your mind

Don’t wait too long

You’d better hurry up and give your husband a child before he finds someone who will

You don’t have children, so you won’t understand

You don’t know what real love is

Wait until your biological clock kicks in

Aren’t you worried there’ll be no one to look after you when you’re old

What will you do with yoru life

Are you even a woman

You don’t want them or can’t have them

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/

Geriatric Pregancy

I can still remember the day I knew I was pregnant.  It was Mother's day, May 2016 and my first sign was my sense of smell.  I was able to smell everything good and bad from a mile away.  I recall pressing my face against the window trying not to gag on the cheddar/sour cream chips he shoved into his mouth 😂. I felt it in my heart but still needed my doctor to confirm which was about a week later.  I had one of the biggest, ugliest silent cries that you would see on movies right before the big wail came flooding the TV speakers.  YES! YES! YES! YES! I was jumping for joy until that moment I was told, "because of your age alone, you will be considered HIGH RISK in your pregnancy.

I instantly had old emotions flood me all over again and questioned myself as to being too old to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child.  Was 37 really considered a Geriatric Pregnancy?  Just saying it out loud sounded like I was super old.  My doctor did discuss all of the risks that could be associated with a geriatric pregnancy and although I we experienced some of the risks (1) premature birth and (2) high blood pressure (near the end of pregnancy) we delivered a healthy baby girl.👶

What are the risks of a geriatric pregnancy? <-Click link for more information

Because a woman has the same eggs that she is born with her entire life, there is a higher risk of abnormalities during pregnancies that happen later in life. According to BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, some of the risks of advanced maternal age during pregnancy include:

• premature birth
• low birth weight in the baby
• stillbirth
• chromosomal defects in the baby
• labor complications
• cesarean section
• high blood pressure in the mother, which can lead to a serious condition called preeclampsia, and an early birth for the baby
• gestational diabetes, which also increases the risk of diabetes later in life

Life without baby

In my younger days, I would look to the left and someone was pregnant or look to the right and there was another pregnant woman but what no one talks about is the many women that suffer with infertility.  It is not as easy for many women to conceive and it wasn't until I got older and talked to more women and learned their struggles and stories while trying to conceive.  Of course many were successful but there is still a hand full that are not.

I consider myself to be a realist and realistically not all women will become natural mothers.  At one point in my life this was a harsh reality that I was coming to terms with.  At my age and having gone through this journey for 20 years, I was simply at the point in my life of asking God to please grant me peace within myself during this chapter of my life.

Yes, I have conceived a child but that does not take away from the pain of the journey or the many thoughts over the years of living a life without a baby.  Lisa Manterfield shares her story here of surviving and thriving when motherhood doesn't happen.  We are still women and life can still be truly amazing!

Many Blessings!!

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/

FASTING for my Child

If you are a church-goer, then you are familiar with the term "fasting".  Fasting is giving up food or other things for a period of time in order to focus your thoughts on God.  During fasting, people will spend time reading the Bible, praying and/or worshiping.  As a member of Prayer and Deliverance Ministries for a number of years, fasting became a reoccurring event in my life.  Church members were asked to participate in the Daniel Fast twice a year.  I was able to truly learn and experience the benefits that fasting had on my life.  It helped me to hear from God.  I was able to strengthen my relationship with God and I was able to build my faith.  

Somethings in life you can get to that point where you have tried things your way and they did not work and now you are left with no other options but to try things GOD's way.  That is were I was and I had no other tricks in my hat, no more doctors to see, no more surgeries to have performed and no one that could help me or truly understand.

I made the decision to go on a fast and prepare for my child.  Now every year I repeat the Daniel Fast starting January 1 and end January 31 but this time my fasting was different.  Once I made the decision in the middle of December I started that next day.
1. I removed Beef and Pork from my diet (doctors orders) along with soda.
2. I gave up alcohol, as you should anyway when trying to conceive.
3. I removed myself from social media to allow the time spent there to reflect on my goal, choices and reconnect with my husband, family and God.
4. I began to seek internal peace and I started meditating daily (nothing major I downloaded a meditation app on my phone and let it do what it was designed to do)
5. I read daily scriptures listed below every night while fasting
6. Prayer.  Many nights I was not even sure what to pray so I just started talking to God from my heart. (You can also download bible or prayer apps to your phone)

Now my husband has never been one to really fast but after sitting and talking with him about my decision he choose to stop smoking and join me in reading the scriptures daily (He was not giving up beef or pork 😆).

Now those who are not believers I am sure will have much to say and that is fine.  This is my story, my journey and the things that I did that not only allowed me to become more sensitive to the voice of God but truly saw through dreams as he revealed to me his plans for my husband and I (surpassing our dreams of becoming parents).  I began my fast December 2015 and received a positive pregnancy test in May 2016.  Even during my fasting my faith was tested and it was not an easy journey for us but what was our other options.  We had none and all we had left was GOD.  And no I am not saying we made God our last option but just as everyone else we had to learn to get out of our own way and lean on him and give God his time and allow him to do his works and prepare us for his miracle.  When I made the decision to fast, I already had my mind set that I was going to give my all, trust God and not come out of this fast until we were pregnant or God had given me peace to accept that natural motherhood was not for me.  I am not hear to tell you to fast just sharing my story for other women that have lost faith and hope during this emotional journey.

Below are the list of Bible scriptures my husband and I read every night for 6 months while trying to conceive.  Just in case you are ready to get out of your own way and hear from God.

Isaiah 55:11King James Version (KJV)

¹¹ So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Romans 3:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.

Deuteronomy 7:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

Deuteronomy 28:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.

Mark 10:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

Galatians 3:13King James Version (KJV)

¹³ Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree:

Luke 1:37King James Version (KJV)

³⁷ For with God nothing shall be impossible.

Psalm 46:5King James Version (KJV)

⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

Mark 11:23-26King James Version (KJV)

²³ For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
²⁴ Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
²⁵ And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
²⁶ But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:19King James Version (KJV)

¹⁹ Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Jeremiah 32:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?

Psalm 77:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

John 14:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Isaiah 11:03King James Version (KJV)

³ And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears:

Judges 13:3King James Version (KJV)

³ And the angel of the Lord appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

Psalm 113:9King James Version (KJV)

⁹ He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

2 Peter 1:8King James Version (KJV)

⁸ For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5-6King James Version (KJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

https://rmstarkscoaching.company.site/