Not wanting a child

I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't want to have children.  If you know me personally, then you would know that I always thought I would have 2 children of my own and adopt 2 children.  The name, Autumn, was placed in my mind and heart at the young age of 18 and I would tell anyone that would listen, "When I have a daughter, her name is going to be Autumn".  That name stayed with me for years and finally came true, 20 years later when I got to hold my beautiful baby girl, Autumn Annie.

Anywoo, during my life's journey, I can only recall a handful of women that have openly expressed to me that they did NOT want to have children.  As a teen, an older woman explained to me how her and her husband made the decision to not have children because they did not want to raise them in the world we live in today (Yikes! that was over 20 years ago.  I wonder what she thinks of the world today).  In my younger years, I really couldn't understand that because I always thought that is what "ALL" women want...to become married and have children.  It was all I had seen and known growing up.

As I got older and started to experience my own fertility issues, I was STILL ignorant to the fact that women choosing to NOT want children was unreal and I would assume they were masking their own internal fears of not being able to conceive (for whatever reason) and the easiest escape from reality would be to say they didn't want any.  (Hey! What can I say...I was young and dumb and if you didn't think like me, I thought you were wrong.  So thankful to rid myself of that mentality).

Before you begin to pass judgement on me, let's be real.  When a woman states she does not want children no one ever lets the conversation end there.  We either drop our jaws or begin asking a number of questions.  Is something wrong with you?  Are you able to have children?  And let's not forget they are thrown into the category of being selfish.  No one's first thought is she is child free by choice although we as women have that choice and that right.

If a woman chooses to have children or not, that is a personal choice and no matter what she decides she should be supported by loved ones, encouraged by friends, and accepted by all.

We hear all the time of celebrities making the decision not to have children and society gives them a pass but let's be clear, celebrity life is totally different from our everyday normal lives.  However, I came across an article of celebrities discussing this personal topic.  The article is titled, 11 celebrities on not having children, written by Naomi Gordon.  Check out the article and see what celebrities are saying BUT I would truly love to hear the voices of women who have made the choice to not have children and how they came to that decision.

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74 year old woman gives Birth to Twins

I recently read an article by Sike Jasso on a 74 year old woman giving birth to twins!!!!

In reading the article I was excited to know both mom and twins are healthy.  Mom has achieved a world record by being the oldest 1st time mother.  What had given me more joy was knowing that her and her husband had tried for a number of years to become parents and were not successful and eventually they received their miracle.  This is one of those feel good stories that everyone wants to see and share in the happy ending.

I am sure many will look at this story and begin to criticize the parents age.  I would be lying if I said the age of the mother didn't catch my eye to even open the article but I am a firm believer that people have to make decisions that are best for them.  I would not jump on the bandwagon with others to say what is right or what is wrong for other individuals life choices.

However, I have a flip side and would love comments and feed back. As a mature aged 1st time mother, I am constantly trying to make up for lost time.  So much as brainstorming and ensuring that all of my T's are crossed and I's are dotted where my daughter is concerned.  Let me explain, now at the age of 41, I have a soon to be 3-year old (still seems unreal.  I have a 3 year old. YAY!!).  I am always trying to look for ways to improve my health (which I think is a great thing) weather its eating, exercising, and improving my mental health.  Not to say I didn't care before giving birth but now its like times 10.  I just want to ensure I remain healthy enough to be with her during her active years as well as add years to my life.  My husband and I are constantly having conversations as to making sure she is properly cared for in the event he or I cannot be there for her.  That includes a number of things from our living wills to having her financially set for her future.  Much of this anxiety comes from losing my sister so suddenly and her leaving behind 4 children where I had to figure things out along the way (no easy task).

Had I been given a choice, I would never have made the decision to be a 1st time mother at 38 but now that I am I wouldn't change a thing.  I LOVE, LOVE and absolutely LOVE the fact that I am settled, career has been established, financially stable and able to devote the time needed for all of her activities, wants and needs.  Truthfully, I do not think if I were aged 74 I would be seeking options for getting pregnant but that is just my personal opinion just as many would say at aged 38 they would not be seeking options for pregnancy.   I did not know this would be my journey just as I am sure this couple didn't think they would be 1st time parents in their 70s and 80s.

Congratulations to this Happy Couple for their determination and perseverance!

Please check out the article and share your thoughts.

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Supporting loved ones with infertility, it can be done

When my husband I got the news that we were expecting, not only were we ecstatic we also made the decision not to share our news until we were passed the first trimester.  During our time of extreme bliss we had close friends and family that were experiencing their own hardships from infertility, miscarriages and SIDS. 

To be perfectly honest, I was not prepared as to how to handle sharing my exciting news with them knowing their one true desire was to become parents.  One situation I played over and over in my head and for the life of me I could not pick up the phone.  I just could not share that I was expecting knowing they had just lost their child.  We went a little over a year without speaking to each other and although I would have liked to handle it differently it's a decision I do not regret.  I do know and understand how people can want to be happy for others but yet their own personal situations can be so devastating that they can not truly share in your blessings.  This was just one of those things that I had to just let play itself out.

With some of the others I found myself wanting to soften and cushion the blow so I called to tell them the news to allow them time to process and be prepared when the big announcement was made to the entire family.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to share your news but when it comes to friends and family that are suffering with becoming parents it can be an emotional roller coaster for them but that does not mean they are not happy for you.  YES!!! You are excited, thankful and blessed as you should be.  So celebrate but being sensitive and checking on your loved ones during their difficult times is also important.

Not sure if many are aware but 1 in 8 couples and close to 16% of women face challenges related to fertility along with 15-20% of pregnancies end in loss or miscarriage (Kirmayer, 2018).  You personally may not have been affected but someone you know may be suffering in silence or they know someone who is, so sensitivity and compassion is key.


I found an article that goes more into detail as to "Supporting a Friend Through Infertility" written by Miriam Kirmayer.  Below are a few highlights in the article but please click the link above to see the full article that goes into great detail as to how you can help your loved ones.

1. Recognize the uniqueness of your friend’s experience.
2. Know it’s not your place to problem solve.
3. Watch out for triggering language.
4. Balance optimism with realism.
5. Understand their need for space.
6. Be sensitive when sharing your own news.

• Give fair warning. 

• Focus on feelings. 

• Recognize and respect their need for time.

• Take care of yourself.

• Continue your thoughtfulness.

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Support for Couples

A few days ago, I attended a health fair and to my surprise there was a vendor table on fertility support.  I thought this was absolutely amazing because this is not something you see everyday and I have attended quite a few fairs and have never seen information on fertility services.  I just think it is awesome that more people are talking about fertility and making the public aware of opportunities and what options are available and hopefully overtime fertility can be a conversation that people can have without embarrassment or judgements.

ANY WHO... I stopped by the table and picked up some materials that I thought would be great for me to share here on my blog.  There was a nice booklet (upload later) from Natural Family Planning (NFT) that had tons of great information and additional options that could be helpful to couples for finding the right type of plan for their family.  But NFT also has an INFERTILITY SUPPORT MINISTRY that works with couples that are facing fertility challenges.

Is this NOT amazing???   Along my journey, I have met couples that have been open to sharing their stories but then I have met couples that are not in that place where they want to share something so intimate with others.  I think NFT is a great opportunity for couples no matter what your preference just as another avenue to travel.  You never know, one conversation could offer suggestions that you may have never thought about.  I know many times it is not easy to talk with those we love because many times they can not relate to the struggle of conceiving.  Or maybe you have talked your loved ones ears off and don't want to keep bothering them.  NFT is there for you.

Visit their website at www.stlouisnfp.org, they are on facebook, twitter, instragram and youtube.   They also have a newsletter that you can sign up to receive.

I have also attached pictures of the materials I gathered from the fair.  I hope this information was helpful and please pass it along to someone if you cannot benefit from it.

Thanks!

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Trying to Conceive

As a young girl, I used to dream about one day becoming a mother and I would always tell people that I wanted 4 children.  I would have 2 of my own and then adopt 2.  (Reality: 4 bonus children and 1 of my own but not to far off, I guess 😁). I have to admit, it was exciting planning my life as to how I thought it would be.  WHOMP-WHOMP!  Life happened and reality set it and I, like so many other women had to experience, stress, pain and heartbreak while trying to get pregnant.  For those of you who do not know, it takes the average young couple 4-6 months to conceive, with approximately 85-95% getting pregnant after one year of trying (Mcguinness, 2018).  Now add medical health issues and age to the mix and your chances of getting pregnant fast continue to decline.

But before you rush to go make an appointment with a fertility specialist there are a few things you can try to consider on your own.  And just like everyone else we went to the internet to start our searches.

For those trying to conceive you already know that sex can turn into planned intercourse that is not always fun.  You are checking a thermometer, watching the calendar and counting days and narrowing sex down to the very last second.  That is NO WAY fun and exciting but choosing certain types of lubricants can help enhance the experience and help you to enjoy each other.  BUT not any ol lubriance will do.  Those warming lubricants are probably a No-No and you want to be sure to find a lubricant that is sperm friendly such as Pre-Seed, somthing that will not harm or kill sperm.  Clinical studies show that Pre-Seed is a sperm-safe lubricant, which is a benefit over most lubricants (Try whatever you want, just listing this as a suggestion).  According to Mcguinness (2018),  Texas fertility specialist Jerald Goldstein, MD, states that vegetable oil is a safe and effective lubricant that has no effect on sperm.

Take a look at increasing or starting vitamin supplements.  I always took vitamins as a child so increasing my vitamin intake was not an issue for me.  Once again I went to the internet and did a search looking for vitamins that would be beneficial to couple's trying to conceive.   I was used to daily vitamins such as multivitamins and taking the hair, nail and skin pills (love the the gummies) but after searching the internet I also added Fish oil to my daily vitamins because of the omega-3, folic acid, vitamin B.  I did not take Zinc but according to multiple websites it is considered one of the most important minerals for conception and pregnancy (Mcguinness, 2018).  Sarah Yang lists 10 different vitamins that help with conception (click here) so I hope that you find these helpful.  On Sarah's list antioxidants are mentioned and if you  browsed through some of my other blog posts you will see that I did increase my antioxidants but only after my physician instructed me too.  However, I did not purchase or intake any supplements for antioxidants, instead I increased eating berries. Strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries and raspberries, anything with berries according to my physician.  But that was short lived for me so I went to my local Sam's Club and happen to stumble across,  Bai Antioxidant infusions (yes the funny commercial with Justin Timberlake).  These worked perfect for me so I began buying them by the case.  Now there are other alternatives to the drinks or supplements for antioxidants, Ryan Raman (2018) lists 12 healthy foods high in antioxidants.
1. Dark Chocolate
2. Pecans
3. Blueberries
4. Strawberries (ate lots of them in my salads)
5. Artichokes
6. Goji Berries
7. Raspberries
8. Kale (ate kale in smoothies & salads)
9. Red cabbage
10. Beans
11. Beets
12. Spinach (ate spinach in smoothies & salads)

Let me say that I am no physician and have never been to medical school.  My blog is simply sharing my story in hopes to inspire, encourage and motivate someone else to keep moving in their journey.  I say that to say my next suggestion is one of personal experience, Chinese Herbs.  While searching the internet I came across the site, Fertility Formulas (twitter page here).  I was given a free consultation and moved forward with purchasing some of the herbs.  Also for women with Endometriosis I would suggest looking into Chinese Herbs because they worked wonders for us!!! Pain I had suffered through for 2 decades was non-existent while taking these herbs.  SERIOUSLY!!! No pain.  Unfortunately for us we had other health issues by the time we reached this chapter in our story and required 2 additional surgeries before conceiving but I would personally recommend you looking into Chinese Herbs, researching it or even scheduling a consultation.


I'm sure there are other things that women are doing to get pregnant and would love to hear about them. Please add to the comments

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What NOT to say to your childless friends

More and more, Women are choosing not to have children  whether it is career driven or not it is their personal choice however, that is NOT always the case.  So many women want to have children and most of the time they start trying and that is when they find out something is just not right.  I used to get so SICK of that, “Well what are you waiting on”, “You know you are not getting any younger”, “What is taking so long”, or my all time worst, “Ya’ll been married about XX years and ya’ll still don’t have any kids.  It took me a long time to really realize that the so called normal question of, “do you have any children” was a part of building relationships and friendships and that some people were just trying to get to know me but deep down I was dealing with my own insecurities and had to learn to NOT be offended by that one question.  Now the others often came from people who already knew me and honestly it would drive me bonkers.  And just like any other women trying to conceive with health issues would do, I would grit my teeth and say, “whenever God says so” or “whenever it happens” (while wearing a fake smile and killing them softly with my eyes). 👀

Nonetheless, it was my own internal issues that I had to overcome and overtime I did.  I had to learn that not everyone’s life journey will be the same and that is no one’s fault.  We have to play the hand in life that we have been dealt, no matter good or bad.  And that’s not to say that some people who knew my situation weren’t mean or rude purposefully because that happened as well.  I have had comments made towards me about expensive purchases and vacation travels because, we didn’t have children and we could afford them.  When honestly there is a thing called savings, travel agents and planning ahead.  I was even a part of a joke with the person making a statement about having a working reproductive system opposed to mine.  Well at this time, I was so in shock I didn't have a response but instead was offended to the high heavens and hurt beyond words.  But MOST of the time, people really truly cannot relate to your struggle and that is okay, many times in life and with all situations you can share a story or hear a story but until it’s you or someone you care deeply about that is affected most of the time you cannot relate.   And not to say many people do not have empathy, yes they do but they still cannot relate. 

I did a search on the internet looking from some of the worst comments a person can say to a women without children.  Check them out below and feel free to view some of the answers to these questions here and add some of your own in the comments.  Thank you!!

What a bad decision

Now that I have children, my life has true meaning

You’re a crazy cat lady in training

You think you’re tired?  You don’t know what tired is

You’re being selfish

You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man

What are you waiting for

Your mom had you

Your’re missing out on one of the best things in life

Tick Tock

It’s a mom thing

That’s a shame.  You might regret it

What’s wrong with you

The size of that house and just the two of you?  It’s a waste of space

But you would be such a great mom

Just find a donor and have kids.  I’ll babysit

You think you don’t want children, but once you have them you’ll change your mind

Don’t wait too long

You’d better hurry up and give your husband a child before he finds someone who will

You don’t have children, so you won’t understand

You don’t know what real love is

Wait until your biological clock kicks in

Aren’t you worried there’ll be no one to look after you when you’re old

What will you do with yoru life

Are you even a woman

You don’t want them or can’t have them

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Geriatric Pregancy

I can still remember the day I knew I was pregnant.  It was Mother's day, May 2016 and my first sign was my sense of smell.  I was able to smell everything good and bad from a mile away.  I recall pressing my face against the window trying not to gag on the cheddar/sour cream chips he shoved into his mouth 😂. I felt it in my heart but still needed my doctor to confirm which was about a week later.  I had one of the biggest, ugliest silent cries that you would see on movies right before the big wail came flooding the TV speakers.  YES! YES! YES! YES! I was jumping for joy until that moment I was told, "because of your age alone, you will be considered HIGH RISK in your pregnancy.

I instantly had old emotions flood me all over again and questioned myself as to being too old to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child.  Was 37 really considered a Geriatric Pregnancy?  Just saying it out loud sounded like I was super old.  My doctor did discuss all of the risks that could be associated with a geriatric pregnancy and although I we experienced some of the risks (1) premature birth and (2) high blood pressure (near the end of pregnancy) we delivered a healthy baby girl.👶

What are the risks of a geriatric pregnancy? <-Click link for more information

Because a woman has the same eggs that she is born with her entire life, there is a higher risk of abnormalities during pregnancies that happen later in life. According to BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, some of the risks of advanced maternal age during pregnancy include:

• premature birth
• low birth weight in the baby
• stillbirth
• chromosomal defects in the baby
• labor complications
• cesarean section
• high blood pressure in the mother, which can lead to a serious condition called preeclampsia, and an early birth for the baby
• gestational diabetes, which also increases the risk of diabetes later in life