Support for Couples

A few days ago, I attended a health fair and to my surprise there was a vendor table on fertility support.  I thought this was absolutely amazing because this is not something you see everyday and I have attended quite a few fairs and have never seen information on fertility services.  I just think it is awesome that more people are talking about fertility and making the public aware of opportunities and what options are available and hopefully overtime fertility can be a conversation that people can have without embarrassment or judgements.

ANY WHO... I stopped by the table and picked up some materials that I thought would be great for me to share here on my blog.  There was a nice booklet (upload later) from Natural Family Planning (NFT) that had tons of great information and additional options that could be helpful to couples for finding the right type of plan for their family.  But NFT also has an INFERTILITY SUPPORT MINISTRY that works with couples that are facing fertility challenges.

Is this NOT amazing???   Along my journey, I have met couples that have been open to sharing their stories but then I have met couples that are not in that place where they want to share something so intimate with others.  I think NFT is a great opportunity for couples no matter what your preference just as another avenue to travel.  You never know, one conversation could offer suggestions that you may have never thought about.  I know many times it is not easy to talk with those we love because many times they can not relate to the struggle of conceiving.  Or maybe you have talked your loved ones ears off and don't want to keep bothering them.  NFT is there for you.

Visit their website at www.stlouisnfp.org, they are on facebook, twitter, instragram and youtube.   They also have a newsletter that you can sign up to receive.

I have also attached pictures of the materials I gathered from the fair.  I hope this information was helpful and please pass it along to someone if you cannot benefit from it.

Thanks!

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Trying to Conceive

As a young girl, I used to dream about one day becoming a mother and I would always tell people that I wanted 4 children.  I would have 2 of my own and then adopt 2.  (Reality: 4 bonus children and 1 of my own but not to far off, I guess 😁). I have to admit, it was exciting planning my life as to how I thought it would be.  WHOMP-WHOMP!  Life happened and reality set it and I, like so many other women had to experience, stress, pain and heartbreak while trying to get pregnant.  For those of you who do not know, it takes the average young couple 4-6 months to conceive, with approximately 85-95% getting pregnant after one year of trying (Mcguinness, 2018).  Now add medical health issues and age to the mix and your chances of getting pregnant fast continue to decline.

But before you rush to go make an appointment with a fertility specialist there are a few things you can try to consider on your own.  And just like everyone else we went to the internet to start our searches.

For those trying to conceive you already know that sex can turn into planned intercourse that is not always fun.  You are checking a thermometer, watching the calendar and counting days and narrowing sex down to the very last second.  That is NO WAY fun and exciting but choosing certain types of lubricants can help enhance the experience and help you to enjoy each other.  BUT not any ol lubriance will do.  Those warming lubricants are probably a No-No and you want to be sure to find a lubricant that is sperm friendly such as Pre-Seed, somthing that will not harm or kill sperm.  Clinical studies show that Pre-Seed is a sperm-safe lubricant, which is a benefit over most lubricants (Try whatever you want, just listing this as a suggestion).  According to Mcguinness (2018),  Texas fertility specialist Jerald Goldstein, MD, states that vegetable oil is a safe and effective lubricant that has no effect on sperm.

Take a look at increasing or starting vitamin supplements.  I always took vitamins as a child so increasing my vitamin intake was not an issue for me.  Once again I went to the internet and did a search looking for vitamins that would be beneficial to couple's trying to conceive.   I was used to daily vitamins such as multivitamins and taking the hair, nail and skin pills (love the the gummies) but after searching the internet I also added Fish oil to my daily vitamins because of the omega-3, folic acid, vitamin B.  I did not take Zinc but according to multiple websites it is considered one of the most important minerals for conception and pregnancy (Mcguinness, 2018).  Sarah Yang lists 10 different vitamins that help with conception (click here) so I hope that you find these helpful.  On Sarah's list antioxidants are mentioned and if you  browsed through some of my other blog posts you will see that I did increase my antioxidants but only after my physician instructed me too.  However, I did not purchase or intake any supplements for antioxidants, instead I increased eating berries. Strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries and raspberries, anything with berries according to my physician.  But that was short lived for me so I went to my local Sam's Club and happen to stumble across,  Bai Antioxidant infusions (yes the funny commercial with Justin Timberlake).  These worked perfect for me so I began buying them by the case.  Now there are other alternatives to the drinks or supplements for antioxidants, Ryan Raman (2018) lists 12 healthy foods high in antioxidants.
1. Dark Chocolate
2. Pecans
3. Blueberries
4. Strawberries (ate lots of them in my salads)
5. Artichokes
6. Goji Berries
7. Raspberries
8. Kale (ate kale in smoothies & salads)
9. Red cabbage
10. Beans
11. Beets
12. Spinach (ate spinach in smoothies & salads)

Let me say that I am no physician and have never been to medical school.  My blog is simply sharing my story in hopes to inspire, encourage and motivate someone else to keep moving in their journey.  I say that to say my next suggestion is one of personal experience, Chinese Herbs.  While searching the internet I came across the site, Fertility Formulas (twitter page here).  I was given a free consultation and moved forward with purchasing some of the herbs.  Also for women with Endometriosis I would suggest looking into Chinese Herbs because they worked wonders for us!!! Pain I had suffered through for 2 decades was non-existent while taking these herbs.  SERIOUSLY!!! No pain.  Unfortunately for us we had other health issues by the time we reached this chapter in our story and required 2 additional surgeries before conceiving but I would personally recommend you looking into Chinese Herbs, researching it or even scheduling a consultation.


I'm sure there are other things that women are doing to get pregnant and would love to hear about them. Please add to the comments

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What NOT to say to your childless friends

More and more, Women are choosing not to have children  whether it is career driven or not it is their personal choice however, that is NOT always the case.  So many women want to have children and most of the time they start trying and that is when they find out something is just not right.  I used to get so SICK of that, “Well what are you waiting on”, “You know you are not getting any younger”, “What is taking so long”, or my all time worst, “Ya’ll been married about XX years and ya’ll still don’t have any kids.  It took me a long time to really realize that the so called normal question of, “do you have any children” was a part of building relationships and friendships and that some people were just trying to get to know me but deep down I was dealing with my own insecurities and had to learn to NOT be offended by that one question.  Now the others often came from people who already knew me and honestly it would drive me bonkers.  And just like any other women trying to conceive with health issues would do, I would grit my teeth and say, “whenever God says so” or “whenever it happens” (while wearing a fake smile and killing them softly with my eyes). 👀

Nonetheless, it was my own internal issues that I had to overcome and overtime I did.  I had to learn that not everyone’s life journey will be the same and that is no one’s fault.  We have to play the hand in life that we have been dealt, no matter good or bad.  And that’s not to say that some people who knew my situation weren’t mean or rude purposefully because that happened as well.  I have had comments made towards me about expensive purchases and vacation travels because, we didn’t have children and we could afford them.  When honestly there is a thing called savings, travel agents and planning ahead.  I was even a part of a joke with the person making a statement about having a working reproductive system opposed to mine.  Well at this time, I was so in shock I didn't have a response but instead was offended to the high heavens and hurt beyond words.  But MOST of the time, people really truly cannot relate to your struggle and that is okay, many times in life and with all situations you can share a story or hear a story but until it’s you or someone you care deeply about that is affected most of the time you cannot relate.   And not to say many people do not have empathy, yes they do but they still cannot relate. 

I did a search on the internet looking from some of the worst comments a person can say to a women without children.  Check them out below and feel free to view some of the answers to these questions here and add some of your own in the comments.  Thank you!!

What a bad decision

Now that I have children, my life has true meaning

You’re a crazy cat lady in training

You think you’re tired?  You don’t know what tired is

You’re being selfish

You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man

What are you waiting for

Your mom had you

Your’re missing out on one of the best things in life

Tick Tock

It’s a mom thing

That’s a shame.  You might regret it

What’s wrong with you

The size of that house and just the two of you?  It’s a waste of space

But you would be such a great mom

Just find a donor and have kids.  I’ll babysit

You think you don’t want children, but once you have them you’ll change your mind

Don’t wait too long

You’d better hurry up and give your husband a child before he finds someone who will

You don’t have children, so you won’t understand

You don’t know what real love is

Wait until your biological clock kicks in

Aren’t you worried there’ll be no one to look after you when you’re old

What will you do with yoru life

Are you even a woman

You don’t want them or can’t have them

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Geriatric Pregancy

I can still remember the day I knew I was pregnant.  It was Mother's day, May 2016 and my first sign was my sense of smell.  I was able to smell everything good and bad from a mile away.  I recall pressing my face against the window trying not to gag on the cheddar/sour cream chips he shoved into his mouth 😂. I felt it in my heart but still needed my doctor to confirm which was about a week later.  I had one of the biggest, ugliest silent cries that you would see on movies right before the big wail came flooding the TV speakers.  YES! YES! YES! YES! I was jumping for joy until that moment I was told, "because of your age alone, you will be considered HIGH RISK in your pregnancy.

I instantly had old emotions flood me all over again and questioned myself as to being too old to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child.  Was 37 really considered a Geriatric Pregnancy?  Just saying it out loud sounded like I was super old.  My doctor did discuss all of the risks that could be associated with a geriatric pregnancy and although I we experienced some of the risks (1) premature birth and (2) high blood pressure (near the end of pregnancy) we delivered a healthy baby girl.👶

What are the risks of a geriatric pregnancy? <-Click link for more information

Because a woman has the same eggs that she is born with her entire life, there is a higher risk of abnormalities during pregnancies that happen later in life. According to BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, some of the risks of advanced maternal age during pregnancy include:

• premature birth
• low birth weight in the baby
• stillbirth
• chromosomal defects in the baby
• labor complications
• cesarean section
• high blood pressure in the mother, which can lead to a serious condition called preeclampsia, and an early birth for the baby
• gestational diabetes, which also increases the risk of diabetes later in life

Life without baby

In my younger days, I would look to the left and someone was pregnant or look to the right and there was another pregnant woman but what no one talks about is the many women that suffer with infertility.  It is not as easy for many women to conceive and it wasn't until I got older and talked to more women and learned their struggles and stories while trying to conceive.  Of course many were successful but there is still a hand full that are not.

I consider myself to be a realist and realistically not all women will become natural mothers.  At one point in my life this was a harsh reality that I was coming to terms with.  At my age and having gone through this journey for 20 years, I was simply at the point in my life of asking God to please grant me peace within myself during this chapter of my life.

Yes, I have conceived a child but that does not take away from the pain of the journey or the many thoughts over the years of living a life without a baby.  Lisa Manterfield shares her story here of surviving and thriving when motherhood doesn't happen.  We are still women and life can still be truly amazing!

Many Blessings!!

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FASTING for my Child

If you are a church-goer, then you are familiar with the term "fasting".  Fasting is giving up food or other things for a period of time in order to focus your thoughts on God.  During fasting, people will spend time reading the Bible, praying and/or worshiping.  As a member of Prayer and Deliverance Ministries for a number of years, fasting became a reoccurring event in my life.  Church members were asked to participate in the Daniel Fast twice a year.  I was able to truly learn and experience the benefits that fasting had on my life.  It helped me to hear from God.  I was able to strengthen my relationship with God and I was able to build my faith.  

Somethings in life you can get to that point where you have tried things your way and they did not work and now you are left with no other options but to try things GOD's way.  That is were I was and I had no other tricks in my hat, no more doctors to see, no more surgeries to have performed and no one that could help me or truly understand.

I made the decision to go on a fast and prepare for my child.  Now every year I repeat the Daniel Fast starting January 1 and end January 31 but this time my fasting was different.  Once I made the decision in the middle of December I started that next day.
1. I removed Beef and Pork from my diet (doctors orders) along with soda.
2. I gave up alcohol, as you should anyway when trying to conceive.
3. I removed myself from social media to allow the time spent there to reflect on my goal, choices and reconnect with my husband, family and God.
4. I began to seek internal peace and I started meditating daily (nothing major I downloaded a meditation app on my phone and let it do what it was designed to do)
5. I read daily scriptures listed below every night while fasting
6. Prayer.  Many nights I was not even sure what to pray so I just started talking to God from my heart. (You can also download bible or prayer apps to your phone)

Now my husband has never been one to really fast but after sitting and talking with him about my decision he choose to stop smoking and join me in reading the scriptures daily (He was not giving up beef or pork 😆).

Now those who are not believers I am sure will have much to say and that is fine.  This is my story, my journey and the things that I did that not only allowed me to become more sensitive to the voice of God but truly saw through dreams as he revealed to me his plans for my husband and I (surpassing our dreams of becoming parents).  I began my fast December 2015 and received a positive pregnancy test in May 2016.  Even during my fasting my faith was tested and it was not an easy journey for us but what was our other options.  We had none and all we had left was GOD.  And no I am not saying we made God our last option but just as everyone else we had to learn to get out of our own way and lean on him and give God his time and allow him to do his works and prepare us for his miracle.  When I made the decision to fast, I already had my mind set that I was going to give my all, trust God and not come out of this fast until we were pregnant or God had given me peace to accept that natural motherhood was not for me.  I am not hear to tell you to fast just sharing my story for other women that have lost faith and hope during this emotional journey.

Below are the list of Bible scriptures my husband and I read every night for 6 months while trying to conceive.  Just in case you are ready to get out of your own way and hear from God.

Isaiah 55:11King James Version (KJV)

¹¹ So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Romans 3:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.

Deuteronomy 7:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

Deuteronomy 28:4King James Version (KJV)

⁴ Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.

Mark 10:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

Galatians 3:13King James Version (KJV)

¹³ Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree:

Luke 1:37King James Version (KJV)

³⁷ For with God nothing shall be impossible.

Psalm 46:5King James Version (KJV)

⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

Mark 11:23-26King James Version (KJV)

²³ For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
²⁴ Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
²⁵ And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
²⁶ But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:19King James Version (KJV)

¹⁹ Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Jeremiah 32:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?

Psalm 77:14King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

John 14:27King James Version (KJV)

²⁷ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Isaiah 11:03King James Version (KJV)

³ And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears:

Judges 13:3King James Version (KJV)

³ And the angel of the Lord appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

Psalm 113:9King James Version (KJV)

⁹ He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

2 Peter 1:8King James Version (KJV)

⁸ For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5-6King James Version (KJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

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Benefits of being a mature aged mother

It was not my choice to become a mother at the age of 38 but this is my reality.  I would be lying if I told you being a mature aged mother did not come with it's own set of challenges.  I have classmates that are enjoying grandparent hood and I am just now joining in on motherhood.  BUT the one thing that I tell myself is everybody's journey is not meant to be the same.  It took me a while to understand that and not be so self conscience about being a mature aged mom.  For a while, I would think, "when she is 10, I will be 48. And what will I do when she attends school and all the young mothers and classmates think I am her grandmother.  Or deal with the comments from family or friends saying, "it is about time" and "we were wondering what was taking so long".  But I had to shake these thoughts and focus more on the blessing of her existence and the true miracle that she is.

I am a huge reality TV fan and absolutely love that  women with a platform have become vocal on infertility struggles along with the many celebrities that have embraced "advanced maternal aged motherhood".  As an advanced maternal aged mother, some of the benefits I focused on was being in a stable marriage, complete my education, start a business, advance in my career and become financially stable.  But there are so many more benefits and I found them in an article written by 

Jessica Larsen, "15 Benefits of being being an older mom that you didn't think of".  

Please check out the article and enjoy.  I found quite a few that I really didn't think about.

Keeping the Faith

It crossed my mind yesterday just how hard I had to fight in order to become an "Advanced maternal aged Mother".  Yes just like many of you that are mature 1st time mothers, you know the struggles of the many doctors appointments, medications and tests but even with all of that.  I kept the FAITH!

Again there is no secret that I cannot remember how many doctors I have seen or how many times I had to explain to someone that at my age I did not have any children or the many physician recommendations from friends because Dr. so -in - so got their best friend, sister, aunt, cousin pregnant.

It started one day with a phone call from my younger sister telling me to check out this doctor.  Honestly I was rolling my eyes into the phone because I had yet found another doctor a online with "good reviews" so I wanted to set up a phone consultation.  My sister would not get off my case about seeing this doctor so I said what the HECK, I have already seen over 100 (exaggeration) so 101 would not make a big difference.  I still did not make this appointment and instead went with my phone consultation.  I wasn't moved either way so I didn't do anything at that time in my life I was getting exhausted with all the false hope and was beginning to face my reality of not becoming a mother.

Fast forward a few months, my sister is pregnant and so is her friend!!! 👀 Dr. So-in-so must really be good! I had to ask a thousand questions like where did you meet this doctor.  Well, our mother suggested a female physician to my sister and due to other health issues, this female physician referred my sister to Dr. Jacobs. Now, I have had discussions with people who find it hard to believe me when I say that God "DID IT".

Let me explain my reasons as to how GOD DID IT. No God it not come down and cure my disease. God puts people in places to help you along the way.  Not only that but faith without works is dead.  I had to do my part as well and my part was to keep the faith and trust that God would do the rest. And even in the midst of my exhaustion and defeat, God had to remind me of his presence in the form of two beautiful miracle babies and show me this doctor is the one!  God led me to the one and only doctor that looked at my condition and said, "in order for you to conceive a child you will first have to have surgery to remove the many fibroids in and around your uterus".  His words were, "IN ORDER TOO" all the other doctors told me my chances were done in my teen years.  Secondly you will need to cut out red meat, MOST definitely stop drinking soda and increase your antioxidants.

That was in 2015, I did everything I was instructed to do and along with medication fasting and prayer, my daughter was born December 30, 2016.

No one can make me see different nor truly understand my personal story and I will continue to give GOD the glory and tell the world, HE DID IT!

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My Endometriosis Story

As a little girl, I always knew that I would grow up to have four children.  I would tell people that I wanted to have two children of my own and adopt two.  Well life has a way of not going as you plan it (go figure) and at age 18 I was scheduled for my very first surgery where my diagnosis was Endometriosis. Now many are not familiar with this disease and back in the late 90s not even many physicians could give much information.  At that time, I was not given real deal about my condition nor was I prepared for the battle that lied ahead of me.  According to my physician, much of my pain and discomfort was caused by Endometriosis and began day one of my first cycle at the age of 12.  I was placed on medication that prevented me from having a menstrual cycle and honestly I was in HEAVEN and I thought I had time.

Well later in life and just like most women, I started to get the baby bug and my clock was ticking.  I thought best to stop the medication and and assumed I was cured (truth...HA!).  I have always had a high tolerance for pain but the pain that came after removing myself from the medication was unbearable.  I can still recall driving down the street and unable to press the car accelerator because my legs had gone numb.

I was in my mid to late 20s when a physician told me that I more than likely would not be able to have children.  I was devastated and although we never forget certain moments in our lives, I remember that exact moment because he told me over the phone but for whatever reason I cannot remember my age at that time but I knew then that I was going to fight with everything in me.  I cannot tell you how many doctors I have seen.  I STILL find old medical records stored at home with a different provider's name and honestly cannot recall those visits.  I have had so many surgeries I have lost count (between 5-7) and from the repeated laparoscopic procedures with the camera my naval has been disfigured.

NOW fast forward I am 30 years old, engaged to me married and having to have a conversation about not being able to give him children.  THOUGHTS: (1) He is going to leave me, (2) He is going to think something is wrong with me, (3) He will leave and have a baby with someone else.  Those are just a few things that ran through my mind (trust me it was many more). But GOD blessed me with a man that was my friend long before we were dating, engaged or married so he knew a small part of my story but not in full detail.  All I remember him saying to me, "I am not marrying you for children, I am marrying you for you and we will figure that out along the way".  AND even after that, my mind would not allow me to believe him because deep down in my heart of insecurities no man would be willing to stay with a broken woman.

 Until you have walked in the shoes of Endometriosis "before" birthing a child, you have no clue of mental and physical pain that comes along with it.  Endometriosis is not something that happens overnight and it only worsens with time.  At the age of 12 mine was just starting, by the age of 18 the presence was clear.  The medication only stalled its progression but after stopping the medication the damage was back and in full effect. I cannot count how many physicians told me that I should have taken the opportunities to have a child in my teen years because now I did not have a chance. I used to think I was being punished for many choices I made as a young girl and GOD had not forgiven me (imagine carrying that type of guilt for years).

It took us 7 years, millions of internet searches, over the counter vitamins, Chinese herbal medications, tons of money, additional heartbreaking news, road blocks, doctors appointments, arguments, hope, faith and prayer but it was all worth it to conceive at age 37 and give birth at age 38.

AND I would do it all over again!

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